I’ve fought with depression at points through out my life, even to the point of being diagnosed in the past with major depressive disorder. I’ve been to the point where I’ve had to get help at times through counseling and just like everything else in life, it took some help and it took some work to over come what I was dealing with. We’ve all had a bout of depression at some point in our lives, maybe not to the point of it becoming a clinically diagnosed disorder, but life is hard and just sucks sometimes and there is nothing that we can do about that.
We all deal with things in our own ways, through the best way that we know how at the time and often times, we “deal” with our problems by stuffing them down and by not actually dealing with them. We think that the we have put the pain behind us but in reality, we have just put somewhere where it smolders, but never goes away until we are willing to actually face the problem head on. This usually requires help and it is usually painful but there is no growth with out discomfort and pain. I didn’t make that rule, its just the way it goes…
As I went through the counseling process, an idea occurred of how I could relate depression to folks who don’t know or understand how it works and how to solve the problem. As usual for me, the sea provided a way of explaining how this works. So follow along as I mansplain...
Down to the sea…
One of the last cargos carried in bulk by the large sailing ships of the 19th century was coal. They would load the holds full of coal and carry it to various ports around the world to serve the growing numbers of steam ships which were starting to take over as coastal freighters and tug boats.
An interesting thing about coal is that when it gets wet, it can start to generate heat and will start smoldering. If this went on long enough, the smoldering coal could ignite and start a fire that would be very difficult to control. So as the ship was loaded, the dampness of the coal would be checked. Once the loading process was completed, the holds would be closed up and then the ship would get underway for wherever it was going.
It could take several months for the ship to get to its destination and as the ship traveled along, the First Officer would check the hold temperature at regular intervals. If there was increase in temperature then it would be suspected that some of the coal had started to burn and closer attention would be paid to the temperature. If the temperature started to rise further then a choice would have to be made. Either the ship continues to sail and hope the problem goes away, or the crew would have to dig the coal out of the hold until the hot spot was found and then water poured on the smoldering coal. It would take the whole crew working nonstop to reach the burning or smoldering coal and then it would take the whole crew to put the cargo back in the hold, get the ship cleaned up, and then get back underway again.
As the ship traveled along, the hold temperature would have to be carefully monitored because the coal was now wet and could start burning again. If the hold temperature started to climb, the process would have to be repeated again.
If the captain decided to not root out the problem and decided to let the smoldering coal continue to smolder, then the coal could become a fire. A fire at sea is the worst possible scenario, besides sinking, that sailors face. If the cargo was on fire, there would be little that the crew could do to fix the problem except abandon the ship and watch it burn. The wrong choice would mean that the entire ship could burn down, most likely resulting in the loss of the crew as well.
Stuff happens as we sail through life, it’s inevitable. Sometimes it’s because of the choices that we make and sometimes it’s because of choices that other people make. Sometimes it’s just because stuff happens that is outside of our control and there is nothing we can do about it.
There will be no utopia on this earth until Jesus comes back and He didn’t tell me when that was going to happen so for now we just have to accept that life is hard and it sometimes temporarily sucks. When things happen and we stuff them down, they continue to smolder in our mind, whether we realize it or not. Past trauma(s) make all of this even worse and when trauma(s) go unresolved, they can lead to major problems.
As time goes by and other things happen, the smoldering issues from the past add to the emotions that we have in the present and cause us discomfort. We tend to medicate the discomfort away through escapism, addiction, anger, or through further stuffing down the emotions. These things slow the growth rate of smoldering coal but never eliminate the heat. In fact they can even cause the smoldering coals to eventually become a raging and all consuming fire that can destroy our life.
If we’re not occasionally checking the “temperature of the hold”, we will have a problem on our ship that is much harder to manage which if left unchecked and uncorrected could lead to your entire ship being burned down.
So how do we “check the temperature of the hold”? It’s simple but not easy. It takes self reflection and it takes a friend who loves you enough to tell you when they notice something that you are doing is wrong or that you are acting differently. Contrary to the modern ways of thinking, you are not loving someone if you affirm their wrong behavior and actions.
Here are some examples:
If you’re one of those people that is angry and rude all the time then those emotions are telling you something, but what they are telling you is not on the surface. The emotions are buried under layers of other emotions and beliefs. God didn’t program you to be angry and rude all the time, you are choosing to be that way. You have to notice the emotion and instead of acting on it, you have to think about why you’re feeling that way.
If you are overly quiet, withdrawn and overly shy, then you are choosing to be that way. God didn’t program you to separate yourself from others. Note that this is not the same as being introverted. You can be introverted and still engage people and engage life. Being withdrawn is not being introverted, withdrawing from the world is how you are protecting yourself from the world. This is how depression manifests in my world. Though I am fairly introverted naturally, I tend to withdraw and isolate even further when I’m depressed.
Ultimately our behaviors while we are in depression are methods of coping with hurts from the past using the only methods we had available when the pain was initially caused. They’re safety mechanisms that worked at the time we were hurt but are no longer what we need to be doing, they’re no longer helpful.
Our core beliefs drive our emotions. Our emotions drive our actions and behaviors. In order to figure out why you are acting the way that you are acting, you have to be willing to dig deep to uncover the smoldering coal from the past that is driving your beliefs. I say “willing” because it is hard dirty work. You have to go to the root of the issue, which means that you have to experience the pain all over again and resolve it in better manner. This is hard to do but is done one step at a time and you have to have help. There is just no other way.
You cannot do it alone. It requires the help from people who are willing to start digging alongside you. This is where your church comes in. As Christians, we are to help carry each other’s burdens to the best of our ability. Some of us aren’t great at being the shoulder to cry on or providing emotional support, but we often times know who it is that can offer that kind of help. We can lead those who need help in the direction of that help. Sometimes just being available is all the help that someone needs, but we have to be willing to be there and help others in need. And do so without judgement and with being gossips. If someone confides in us, we must be willing to keep the information to ourselves. If there is no one at your church that you can trust, then find another church. Don’t let “church hurt” and church politics keep you where you are.
Frankly… this is a huge problem in the church but that is a topic for another time.
If you don’t believe in God then all I can suggest is go find a good therapist to help you through your issues. Just understand that many secular counselors are more inclined to help you accept the issues rather than help you fix the issues. Or you could just go to a church and ask for help.
Random side track thought… Something occurred to me, as I wrote this last paragraph. I don’t know if it fits with what I’m writing here but I figure that this is my blog post and I’m writing it so I’ll write it how I want…
I would imagine that there are secular support groups for people who need emotional help but I would also imagine that those groups would be lonely and would feel empty, even if they were full of people and even if they were fun groups to be in. It seems to me that they would lack true love and instead would try to have that warm fuzzy feeling that modern thinking defines as love. The definition that I am thinking of is found in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7
4 Love is patient, love is kind, it is not jealous; love does not brag, it is not arrogant. 5 It does not act disgracefully, it does not seek its own benefit; it is not provoked, does not keep an account of a wrong suffered, 6 it does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; 7 it [a]keeps every confidence, it believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. (NASB)
To be sure, atheists can, and do, express love as defined in the Bible, and sometimes do so better than some churches, because love is an action and not a feeling. But I would also imagine those folks to be the exception rather that the rule when dealing with secular organizations and groups. You can send all the “good thoughts”, have all of the “moments of silence”, and you can “keep someone in your thoughts and your heart” all you want, but that doesn’t do anything to help anyone. It’s escapist and is just something that people do to feel better about themselves rather than getting in the trenches with someone who is need of help.
Ok… I’m done for now… back on track…
This time of the year can be one of the hardest for folks who are suffering from depression and loneliness. If you know someone that isn’t acting like themselves or maybe you’re in a bad spot and need someone to talk to then reach out to someone that you can trust. Reach out to your pastor. Reach out to family.
Well what if you don’t have family or a pastor or someone to call? Then go to a church on days when they have service and talk with someone there, anyone. Ask someone for the pastor or whoever is in charge. Which church? Pick one. They’re everywhere.
Well, what if that church sucks and no body helps you or makes you feel worse? Then go to another church and do it again. It’s intimidating and hard to do but it’s the first step in getting help and it is the most important step. Don’t let that coal smolder and turn into something worse.
If you don’t want to go to a church, then call a therapist. Just know, church is free and a good one will help you or point you in the direction of help. Most pastors are therapists and counselors and will either be able to help you or will know who can.
If any of these comments made you mad, then ask yourself “why”. And then whatever the answer you come up with, keep asking “why” or “how” or “what” until you get to the root of why a comment on some nerd’s blog made you mad. I didn’t make you mad, something else did and what you read here triggered that emotion. That’s how this process starts. Realize the emotion and then start to take control of it and start finding the root of it.
This has been a little different thing than normal but it was what came to mind yesterday when I was thinking of what I wanted to write about, so… here it is… But then again, everything that I have been writing lately seems to be different from what I wrote before. Anyway, the more I wrote about this, the more important it seemed considering the time of year that we are entering. Holidays can be tough on people.
For those that have followed my more technical and nerdy writing for a while… I should be putting the next part of the steel mill series out soon and will also have a post about how power plants work. I’ve been looking forward to writing that one since I feel the need to mansplain why solar power and wind turbines suck for large scale grid power generation.
As always, feel free to comment, share, or subscribe if you like... or don’t. Whatever… Hope that you have a blessed day.
Fair Winds and Following Seas,
Nate
I have worked over the years with special forces Vets to rewrite their resumes to help them get a mission...a new job.
That prevents the anxiety/depression/suicide ideation/suicide cycle because they get that mission.
Simple, but it works.
I am tired of burying them after they take their own lives.
The trick to preventing the breakdown of the mind into deep depression is to catch it before it happens.
Once the black tar seeps into the brain, it is near impossible to get out of it.
Another strategy is to help others. By helping others, especially those worse off than you, it enables you to get past your own depression.
Here is a poem I wrote that may say it better.
Beating the Silence
That thing wells up again.
It has no right to be here,
but it rushes me so fast
as I am watching my sons laugh
and my wife smiling
and I'm screaming and screaming
"Goddamit! It has me again!"
but I look over and see
they are still smiling and laughing
and playing and know
that for me the laughter
and smiles and play
are over for a time
because Mr. D is here to stay.
So, I try the old remedies.
I take my lithium at regular doses
but it only delivered
what it promised,
stability,
but said nothing of smiles
and laughter and play.
There are other strategies
and they must all be used
alone or in concert
until one breaks through...
...brings the rainbow of green and yellow
that overshadows and tames
the rainbow of azure
that swallows me whole.
I exercise at a furious rate
To get the endomorphs to kick in.
I consider smoking a cigar
But reject it as an emergency crutch.
I reject alcohol outright
because she is a demanding
and vicious bitch who,
for whatever she delivers,
is always a one-night stand.
Through the haze I know
these children are mine.
They need my sanity
and love and strength
more than my paycheck.
And my wife…my wife…
who has known these cycles
and seen the bipolar me
in a unipolar world
deserves the best effort
and fight I can muster
to defeat these MD demons
before they rally
and make all resistance futile.
That is the point.
That is what I scream to you.
Fight the demons
immediately
and fearlessly
the minute they arrive
if you are to have
any chance at success.
To those who loved me enough
to stay with me through the days
when I was "in that mood again"
in spite of the demands
of the interior and bipolar life
it is the best way I can say
"I love you…and I always will."
Well said. Get help if you need it, or be the help someone needs.